Why ‘nice’ is quietly hurting your team.

Off the record:  Think about the last time you softened something you needed to say to someone on your team. You sugarcoated. You led with three compliments before the one thing that actually mattered. You told yourself you were being kind. But nice and kind are not always the same thing.

Nice makes the moment easier, but kind serves the person.

I’ve been thinking about this because of a story Randall Tucker, Chief Community and Belonging Officer at Mastercard, told me on The Story Effect podcast recently. Years ago, early in the work that would go on to define his career, he brought a strategy to a senior leader he respected. Her response was two words.

“This sucks.”

She didn’t cushion it. She didn’t sandwich it between compliments. She looked at the work and told him the plain truth: at the end of the day, it didn’t make sense.

But Randall doesn’t remember that moment as a wound. He calls it “the greatest gift ever.”

A few weeks later, he got called into a leader’s office. They didn’t fire him or quietly shelve the work. They said, in effect: we’re going to give you what you need to build this properly. They handed him a strategist and two years to learn how to think at a whole new level.

The hard truth wasn’t the end for him. It sparked a new season for him. (And not just in his professional life, but also outside the office, too.)

We lean toward “nice” for mostly noble reasons. But direct, critical feedback is an investment in people when paired with belief that they can do better. On its own, “this sucks” is just criticism. Wrapped in belief, it becomes the most generous thing a leader can offer.

💡 Listen: How to build a speak-up culture with Stephen Shedletzky

Our brains are wired to read honesty as threat. When someone critiques our work, the same alarm system fires that would if we’d been physically cornered. That’s exactly why the belief has to travel with the truth. Trust is what tells the brain this person is on my side, so I can actually hear this. With trust, the truth builds something great.

THE TAKEAWAY

The Moral of the Story

01  NICE IS NOT ALWAYS KIND
Nice avoids the hard sentence to protect the moment. Kind says it to serve the person. When you withhold the truth to keep things pleasant, you’re choosing your own comfort over their growth.

02  TRUTH WITHOUT BELIEF IS JUST CRITICISM
“This sucks” only lands as a gift when it comes with “and I know you can do better.” The feedback opens the door but you have to pair it with belief. 

03  THE FEEDBACK YOU REMEMBER CAME FROM SOMEONE WHO CARED
Think about the hard truth that changed your trajectory. It almost certainly came from someone who had already earned the right to say it. Trust is the currency that makes honesty spendable.

04  SILENCE IS NOT HARMONY
If no one on your team has heard a hard truth in a while, that’s an indicator. A team that never hears “this sucks” rarely hears “this is your best work” either. Both require the same thing: enough trust to be honest.

DO THIS WEEK

The Cheat Code

Pick the one person on your team you’ve been managing a little too gently. Choose a truth they actually need to hear to reach their next level.

Before you deliver it, do this first: tell them, specifically and out loud, why you believe in them.

Then give them honest feedback.

Then stay, and ask:

“What do you need from me to get there?” (Because I know you have it in you.)

That last question is the whole difference between criticism and a gift.

Tell someone the truth because you believe in them this week.
– Danielle Krischik